Good Grief?
I remember Shirlee starting a Bible Study with us back in Hamilton using a book called 'Good Grief'. The title sums up my week thus far. Though, even though I know it's 'good', it doesn't feel that way yet.
Annette, Jennifer and I went to Hutt Hospital yesterday to begin hospital visits (kind of a short stint at chaplaincy). I made it to the medical ward and it was everything in me to not run out. After a while I did excuse myself and head outside for air. It was just too similar to the ward where Uncle Bob died last year.
Uncle Bob and Nana both died nearly a year ago. We were expecting Nana, but not Bob. And me being me, has pretty much kept it all inside, trying to be brave, trying to be strong for the rest of the family, and trying to not look weak in front of the rest of the world. Bad move.
It took until the Christmas holidays (6 months) for Nana's death to hit me. And outside of just wishing she was here, I feel like I have accepted and pretty much adjusted to her not being here anymore. I feel like I have grieved healthily for Nana.
But until yesterday I had barely shed a tear over Uncle Bob. It's not that I didn't love him. It just didn't come out. And this morning at College Worship, I ended up at the mercy seat (down the front) bawling my poor eyes out. Over how sudden and unfair his death was, over the upheaval it has caused in Aunty Val's life, and the effects it had on my two cousins and their families. And how I miss him.
It doesn't help being told "Well, at least you know they are in Heaven with Jesus." Yeah, I do. But that doesn't stop the ache or the gap in your life now. It doesn't stop you wanting to scream "This sux!" So that is what I told God. Exactly what I felt and I had the sense of Him so close beside me, letting me know that was alright.
So now I'm in the computer suite, not really feeling up to the crowds at morning tea. My perfectly applied make-up has now all gone, but I feel so much better, like a weight has been lifted from my heart. And just a little bit of hope has been planted: that God won't judge my feelings, and that He will be with me throughout life - whatever happens. Maybe that is the good side of grief.
Annette, Jennifer and I went to Hutt Hospital yesterday to begin hospital visits (kind of a short stint at chaplaincy). I made it to the medical ward and it was everything in me to not run out. After a while I did excuse myself and head outside for air. It was just too similar to the ward where Uncle Bob died last year.
Uncle Bob and Nana both died nearly a year ago. We were expecting Nana, but not Bob. And me being me, has pretty much kept it all inside, trying to be brave, trying to be strong for the rest of the family, and trying to not look weak in front of the rest of the world. Bad move.
It took until the Christmas holidays (6 months) for Nana's death to hit me. And outside of just wishing she was here, I feel like I have accepted and pretty much adjusted to her not being here anymore. I feel like I have grieved healthily for Nana.
But until yesterday I had barely shed a tear over Uncle Bob. It's not that I didn't love him. It just didn't come out. And this morning at College Worship, I ended up at the mercy seat (down the front) bawling my poor eyes out. Over how sudden and unfair his death was, over the upheaval it has caused in Aunty Val's life, and the effects it had on my two cousins and their families. And how I miss him.
It doesn't help being told "Well, at least you know they are in Heaven with Jesus." Yeah, I do. But that doesn't stop the ache or the gap in your life now. It doesn't stop you wanting to scream "This sux!" So that is what I told God. Exactly what I felt and I had the sense of Him so close beside me, letting me know that was alright.
So now I'm in the computer suite, not really feeling up to the crowds at morning tea. My perfectly applied make-up has now all gone, but I feel so much better, like a weight has been lifted from my heart. And just a little bit of hope has been planted: that God won't judge my feelings, and that He will be with me throughout life - whatever happens. Maybe that is the good side of grief.
1 comment:
I LOVE HOW YOU KEEP IT REAL CORRYN. KEEP TALKING TO GOD I SAY, AND THANKS FOR SHARING IT REMINDS ME TO KEEP UP THE DIALOGUE.
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